I have been working on our birthmom letter. In writing this letter I have thought about my name and whether or not we should use my real name.
I may or may not have mentioned this before but I have a very unique first name. I may have even told you my real name. If you put my name into face.book there are only 143 people with my name. So if you know my first name and the area I live in then you can find me and our full name.
We would like an open-adoption experience with the birthparents. But we don't want them to know where we live. I'm concerned that using my first name they would be able to find me and thus find our address.
So I'm wondering how your open adoption works? Do your childs birthparents know your first and last name? How do you protect that information? Do your childs birthparents know where you live?
I do know that I need to check the privacy on my face.book account.
And if you are now curious about what my first name really is email me and I'll tell you. Breen is a nickname that I got in high school from a friend. People still call me Breen to this day.
A Slow Cooker Thanksgiving
9 months ago
5 comments:
that's a very interesting question about what you should do! Yes, our birthfamily knows our first names. I don't know for sure if they know our last name, but I wouldn't be surprised if they did. I also don't think they know our address, but I suppose they may. If I were you, I'd just continue to use your nickname at this point. Once you feel comfortable with them, then you can decide whether to tell them your "real" first name.
I have been a fly on the wall for awhile. I found your blog from another blog I follow. I started following your blog bc I read about you on Miracles Waiting.
Anyway, back to the subject. I think, that the birthmother would learn your real name from the paperwork. I'm sure that there is much legal papework that you and she will have to sign. I may be way wrong, but I'd look into that if you're concerned about it.
Thats super interesting! Well my name is basic so I don't have that problem obvioulsy but....lets see I would share your real name because lets say you end up with a really open adoption it would come out eventually and then your bmom may feel sad ( maybe just a thought) for us we are FB friends with our daughters bmom BUT we have it set up where she can not see my wall and updates just my pictures...I dont think she needs to know who ALL my friends are and every little daily detail of my life...that said we have a semi open adoption with her and i like putting up pictures knowign she can see them on her own time if and when she feels like it...
i thought she would not know our last name but because it was a private adoption by law our full names had to be on paper work so she knows it...hence how she found us on FB BUT its cool and how I said you can just fix your FB privacy settings...
as for other things phone #'s address stuff like that I would just look into all that stuff now
also like Kim said most likley your real name will be on so much paper work that bmom will be signing...i would be honest and now look into all the things you would want private
I would use the name that you go by everyday with most people that you interact with. When you are matched and you feel a deeper connection with the birth family then you can make the decision to share your real name or not. When you meet the expectant mother and build a relationship with her then she may ask you to tell her more about yourself and if you feel trusting of her at that time then I would say to just bring it up then.
We used our first names only in our profile book and birthmom letter mainly because the agency told us that this is strongly recommended. They may show your profile and/or letter to many expectant woman and all but one won't choose you so why give everyone that information. After we had talked to our birthmother a few times we felt so close to her, almost like she was a family member that we had never met before, that we felt like sharing more and more each time. In the end our relationship is slightly more open then either of us had planned. She knows what state we live in but no details, and we did share our last name at the hospital after Sophia was born but that was a personal choice we made that we hadn't planned on but it felt right.
At the request of her birthmom we don't plan to meet again at all until Sophia is an adult and can make that choice herself.
Hope this helps - good luck to you.
That is a good question...Although I am not doing an open adoption (we did embryo adoption)...I also have a very unique name that I have NEVER seen anyone else have in 43 years...it would not be hard to find me at all and I would have the same thoughts as you. I often don't use my real name on public forums for that reason alone. I think the advice you got from the other adoptive moms is good....use your nickname (if it is what most people call you) in the letter but then realize your real/full name will probably be on much of the paperwork that is visible to both parties if you do an open adoption.
kd
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