Pain of Loss

Today at church was the 2nd part of the Pain.killer series called Pain of Loss. I looked forward to today's message because Cart and I have experienced loss in our lives. Many outside the infertility community won't understand this loss. However, it is very real to us.

Before the message there was a "drama" in which a couple acted out losing their home and how it made them feel. It touched on the man's pride being hurt.

The ultimate message today really stuck with us. We have experience the Loss of Fertility and the Loss of a child. One thing pastor said was that Grieving was necessary for your mental health.

One thing he said was that when someone is grieving many don't know what to say. He said you don't have to say anything. You just have to be there to listen and give a hug when needed. Just be there. He shared a verse with us Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." We are compelled to mourn with other's in their times of loss.

He said that when you suffer a Loss there are 3 ways to look at it.
1. Sometimes God is going to restore your loss. It doesn't mean he will bring that particular thing back. But he is going to work supernaturally to bring you to a better place.
2. Sometimes God will give you a new direction through your loss.
3. Sometimes you will learn to trust a Sovereign God. Romans 11:33-36 "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who had known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God that God should repay him? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen" Praising God who wisdom and knowledge bring about his plan for us.

After our losses we have grieved and mourned the loss. We could have let those losses destroy us and our marriage. We put our faith inGod and trusted in him. God could still restore our fertility, he has redirected us as we pursue adoption. Most of all we are trusting in him and his wisdom and knowledge.

We are both glad to have found a church where we feel the message and take it with us.

Financial Peace University

Tonight Cart and I attended our first class of Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey. We are so excited to get our financial affairs in order. Tonight was all about Super Saving. Baby step 1 is to have your emergency fund set up. Who plans for emergencies, the answer is basically no one. So the goal is to save up $1000 quickly. You plan for emergencies because Murphy is most likely going to come knocking. We are hoping to have this step completed soon as we have 2 TVs to sell and are going to sell our "kitchenette" becaue we NEVER use it. Hopefully selling that will have our emergency fund finished.

Check us out next week after we complete Class 2.

Pain of the Past

Cart and I decided a few weeks back to try a new and different to us church. I was raised Lutheran and Cart Catholic. Two religions very close to each other. However, due to the "rules" within the Catholic church we couldn't be married there, so I didn't feel comfortable going to worship in a Catholic Church. We tried a Lutheran church near to us suggested by my home church paster during marriage counseling. After a long conversation with Cart about religion and what we wanted for us and our children we decided to try a non-denominational church.

Today at church they started a new series called "painkillers". It is a 4 weeks series and each week the message will be a different type of pain. Today was Pain of the Past. I think today was the first time in all my years of going to church in which the message really resonated with me. He spoke about how Parents have junk within them and they pass that junk to their children. It might not be the same junk but they still pass it along. He asked us to think about our parents and the junk they passed to us. This part spoke to me as I remembered my childhood and the junk my parents passed to me. Then as he spoke of the 7 ways to heal from the pain of the past I started to remember November of 2009.

November of 2009 was a time of upheavel and hurt for my family. It was also the month that our embryos didn't survive the thaw. Without going into too much detail people were accused of things and I defended the person being accused. My step-sister (whom I've never really had a connection with) attacked our infertility. She basically said in a FB message to us that "mother nature didn't want us to have a child because we weren't worth a squirt of ***" It was hurtful and in an emotionally hard time for us made me angry. I have not spoken to her since 2009.

While listening to the message today I realized the while I have put that time out of my memory, I have not forgiven her. Part of healing from the pain of the past is to let go of the desire for revenge. While I don't have the desire for revenge I do have nothing but hate for her. I usually don't hate anyone however I have no desire to be in the same room with her. The other part of healing is setting boundaries for toxic people. So I can forgive her, however part of the boundary is that I don't have to be in the same room with her or have conversations with her.

Part two next week is Pain of Loss. We are both looking forward to that message as we have both experienced loss in our life and in our marriage. While loss sometimes seperates marriages, our losses have brought us closer together. I look forward to sharing next weeks message with you.

7 months and ramblings

This Friday we'll have been officially waiting 7 months. (I'm not sure why the ticker is so off). At this point we haven't heard much from our agency. Our homestudy hasn't been written up yet. Which at this point is of no surprise to me. I'm still working on our website, however with internship having started it's been slightly put on the back burner :( If you would like to see it you can go to http://www.carterandkebrina.net/ but please be warned it is still under construction.

So far internship is going great. I'm learning a lot and today I started teaching science. Next week will be Social Studies as well. I'm not sure what I'll be teaching after that.

Life has been busy and I don't have much time to do anything other than eat, sleep, internship, lesson planning and homework. While I love internship and being around the littles Dec 2nd can't come soon enough. Then Dec 16th is the magic day when my degree is conferred and I can apply for any open teaching positions or long term sub jobs.